heart attacks

hey so i have been stressing out. oh yeah. i have been struggling so much and i havent given myself a sufficient time for a break to my brain and body that i was sophisticated for air.
i have finished two of my progress test for ma2, fa2, fab and i notice my results are dropping. not one but two. they were not as synchronize as i thought it would be. i thought it was progressing but it was not that all i did was regretting that i could have done better.

i keep on pushing people away and blaming them that i didnt do a good job on things. my mom had spend a bunch of time reminding me that it's rezeki Allah. but at same time im trying to believe them, i know it comes with the effort. i want to do those effort until it means that i really get for what i worked for. i was "stressing" myself that every time i used for my break time i count.

few days ago, i have a sleepless night, but i wasnt doing anything. even though i tried to study, the back of my head hurts like someone had to slap me with a chair. I couldn't fall asleep and i was trying to sleep to early. my housemate i guess was irritated by me because at 9 o' clock , i was already "struggling" to sleep. why? because i have this mindset that i didnt sleep at the afternoon because again i have this mindset that you "shouldnt" sleep after asar because you might get crazy. i dunno how i was being so "stand-on" to my thinking that i could throw it away from brain. it's hurting my head so much at the same time i was being sooooooooo not good with what i am studying right now that i regret every moments that have passed. my results was just okay but i was under what it's expected. i think i was too carried away by passing marks that i wasnt realising that im not really studying with my heart but i am studying to make my brain big :(

also, i was being waken up my own sister who got the chance attend some islamic class or studies or attend those kuliah after praying jemaah, i was being shut in this apartment with no life from outside. no food for my rohaniah. this makes me really really sad that i wish i was still in school. that i wish i could turn back time :( but nothing should be regretted as everyone get the same 24 hours a day.

I am sick of my own attitudes that i am being like this. those days in the past i always pray that it takes time to catch it but i dunno how i have been doing for myself since this are the attitudes that shut me away from my own friends as well as my own family. sometimes i even felt like i am an adopted child but this is too bad + negative mindset of mine. Allah help me.