"Severe"

Hey friends! So two month have passed by and I guess it have been hectic days and my brains and physical has not being in one shape.  Most of the days I didn’t even know what im doing in this life for.  It pretty shameful to say this because it seems like im joining Quranic Circle and preaching to others but I still feel empty inside. I dunno if im really chasing for the right thing and I don’t even know if I like someone in my life or I just hate everyone in silence. Truth is I still lost my self. My self-control are so weak that even all the input I soaked myself into about knowledge about Islam. It was never sticking in here *tap the chest* I think I need to turn back the time and take everything and appreciate it very precisely because by now, I am not that unwavered by my own thoughts but it’s seems to be too late. Because I cant even see my own progress in everything. My studies was even under carpet and so as my tarbiyyah. It looks like I have a healthy heart but it was not. Still having this “zon” in my head and negativity, ya Rabb. Help me!

Just a few days ago, my college did “I-Wellness” program that is open for everyone participation (p/s I even get a free pen for getting symbolic cops from all the booth) so I went to all and even did my check up on my cholesterol. Alhamdulillah it was normal and so my sugar. My eyes are getting more blurry so I have to maintain wearing spectacles ( which I found myself ugly in lol) On top of that I wanted to share one last booth that I went to which I didn’t expect to turn that way. It was the “stress test” booth. We were a given a sheet to feel in about ourselves and most of the question I end up saying always(4) and often (3) which is so typical because of the question I have ‘problem’ with. Totalling this up, I got a severe stress wuhu I don’t even know if this supposed to be okay because I didn’t even have a lot of known in this. So I was being ask by this lady firstly why I find it difficult to concentrate and I just giving a general answer most and what kind of problems I had. Truthfully I regret going here because I end up crying because I didn’t want to tell the truth when I simply did not even know I was deeply in stress. Even I myself didn’t even know what kind of problem I have because im not such an expressive person these days and by this I guess I have been concealing my feelings because all this time those are the one that I struggle to manage. And so that was the perfect time to just blow it lol

I guess it’s more to myself and I guess I really need this therapist or counseling (?) my friend/ roommate were next to me and I felt a lot more embarrassed because I never really share my problems to her because I have so much trust issue with people. So tadaaaa I just cried in front her which I rarely did. I really showed that im sooo sick of life. I dunno what professional papers have done to me. Every single day I didn’t even enjoy going to class and all I want is the class to end. And most of all, I didn’t even freaking review thinking that I could remember what Ive been studying all this while, So, it’s again me, myself, to be blame for.

Conclusion from the consult which I remember is I need to stop comparing myself ( even though ive been trying my best on this each year and because of that I need to be happy for myself in order to make others happy)  so I guess that all folks for the update. May you get something out of this andddd don’t forget to self-care J