Out of reach

Hello March! 

  Finally, got some time to blog! Sorry for not updating on February. It was a little bit upside down last month because i have started by classes for this semester. It was almost a heartbroken month for me because i also remove a lot of attachment 😔  Maybe i was too comfortable with the circle i am having, with the people i have been stuck with, with people i tot i would nurture with but i guess i have a lot of regrets and also those words that i was too late to speak off. 

Maybe Allah knows that this is the best for me to start to grow and give me some tsunami to clear out my hearts from these attachments for so long that Allah keep on testing me with emotion and he knows my weakness. I know very much that i never unloved anybody in life. Rather i start to forget and adapt to how my life is now. 

To be honest, i really regret on the words that I throw to people.  It hurt them as well as me actually. I know i was too ego but i had suffered a lot just be staying in some kind of unknown relationship. It's almost 6 years that i befriended someone who i tot the love of my life. i would sacrifice my time and emotion.

But nothing has confirmed the definition of this relationship until now so i had to stand on my own to definite it myself. I know i have been speaking about this all over this blog for someone to hear it out one day. Some might find that im posting something stupid and full of expectation. But here i am instead of telling how complicated my feeling were, i brain-dump it here. 

I've reach to a limit that saying sorry wont give me enough, wont move me enough to accept BUT on top of that i'm still fragile to think that losing them will hurt me more. I know ive warn myself that placing SOOO much expectations will hurt. every conscious knows that and so do i. Why am i still feeling hurt and hopeless?

It's always me who decided to leave because the last time i didnt feel its working anymore but this time, fixing it while im not willing to be open sucks. Something old me back was always the thought that i am very guilty and the fact that i know committing this sin will never end up well. 

Honestly, honestly, honestly, I dunno this is well enough because my mental is exhausted and my inner is screaming to go back (why i know i always blame you for asking me back) but hey if you are reading this and i know you would....

"I hope you find someone better" is all i can say :)