Yes, you are right.

Even emotions goes above knowledges. Of how emotions being more stronger than how deep your knowledge. Until now, I know my obsession was clearly not Allah because when something I was prayed to be ready for left me, i was down to earth like ive never ready for it.

"you dont seem like what we call alim/being well known of islam?" Yes i know i may be in a progress of learning about Islam, the purest but i have my point of weakness. During this process yes, i have a huge test together being constantly unstable with my mind and my heart to let go of something worldly. 

i know myself better when it comes to emotion especially anger and sad because this is the top emotions I have to control in my life. Sometimes they are just too excessive that I affected others. However, lately, I have been lonely. pretty much because I'm in my own room, in the house minding my own business with ODL going on, nobody really care about each other? 

I mean I do tell my sister but she is now in different place with me now and have her own work to do, and additional to that i come to conclusion that i learn to conceal almost everything. From activities to my own feelings that i become confuse when I'm being ask if I'm okay because it all mixed and jumbled. I seems not to focus on my studies and end up thinking about not specifically the past but yes regret?

I know i have to keep moving forward and by mean 'move on' have a lot of perspective and u might not like this but yes, what experience do hunt me and for me i had to go thru a series of breakdown and crackdown (or should i just say cry and blaming myself for the things i have done) tbh, i think i just cant accept the fact that its over and done WHEN i have wanted ever since i have been feeling unwanted lately lol (yeah you can laugh on me on this)

I know that I'm not trying beg someone to stay but idk why it have hurt so much when at the first place something that trigger it to become like this at the first place was my fault? and yeah i dunno how it felt on the other side but yeah everyone make a mistake. But this time, i guess there was no second changes or turning back. Because what i have learned is to just own it up and just have to be really really really firm on what u are doing. 

Basically my friend, here i would like to say I'm going thru some break up ? hahaha funny when i don't even know what state i am but here you go i would to say that my mistakes were not as bad i think it would be when i don't want to communicate and late it be that way and fix it self up (yes i do this) 

THE REASON i become this way is some mistakes are being repeated and sometimes I'm just not being honest to myself that i have really forgive and forget them. this vicious cycle had cramped up my mindset that yes nothing can fix this and all i have to do is too accept them, thus, i chose to be silent as though i was speechless by the apology.

another thing is maybe some ego that i guess i put aside BECAUSE of my own past and who is not afraid that it will repeat itself. tbh, this is the thing i learn that if maybe my partner screw up, i have a piece of myself that i don't give myself up to some ducthbag again. You could call them ego but tbh, in my words I'll call them self-defense. Yes, i do build wall around me that you may look like sacrifice other people's feeling by putting myself first. AND No i don't do this to ppl that's close to me basically but all have to learn is how other people emotions too :)

So here i am at then end of my emotion dumped in this blog. just lil attention of (p/s) that i would be privating my blog soon because i have been sharing a lot of my emotions here rather than positivity so i guess i might only write for own self as it was my journal and no more only diaries (?)

so to my beloved followers and stalkers, thank you for following me till now. till we meet again in another blog or another post that will be public again? who knows, stay tuned my luff.