Here we go again

Totally.

I was not expecting that this blog will come back after all these year I have been concealing. I am about to duely and utterly terminate it but due to the "condition" that I am in, I am back here again. If it's not because of I am diagnosed with "adjustment disorder". 

At first I was being stretch to the max when I move back to the place I am once being so in love to be back at. Things happened when you were the one 'chosen' to continue the legacy of your father's rather you wanted to cut any bond with him because the part of you had choose to run away from the reality of your own family. The family was almost broken. Because of one act, he choose to hide everything. 

Tarbiyah was everything to me tbh. When this has grabbed by the life, I was also felt being ragged by every corner that you had to do, you had to and you have no way to run while my family is shattering? 

I almost disbelieve to all things that happens to me and I wasn't able to accept the fact that I am here to work my arse out. I chose my dnt life but even that have beaten me out of life because everyone is being a bully to me that even a word have pierced me deeply. I was concealing and swallowing every part of me inside me. I had to choose me first above all. I had to. 

But not everyone can understand you. Allah appears these good people to help you but not all people can actually help you genuinely. I was almost sick to my bone to be able to give away everything I can to make them understand. If they wanted to blacklist me from their list I wont mind because nobody was wrong in this matter because not everyone has their life. As they quote, everyone have their own private life but you had to choose the deen. I didnt not send my dakwah away. I was not capable to do it. 

I dont blame anyone for my decision, but I choose to solve the issue to my core. But now, it seems that I wasnt able to support myself at all. Nobody can foresee the future and including you who read my story. Currently I am trying to gather my self-esteem and confidence again back on track because they have when to that extend were you had to hide in your shells for so long. I think I am also being these due to my study journey that I hid myself for too long whilst I was able to talk in Malay well. The confidence level have gush out of my sight. 

There is also time when I cannot hold my emotions that I had to let out in tears in front of people. Even in front of my boss that I was not mentally ready to be held upon this road. And this job, I had to in some way to be grateful :)