Looped.

Is this how it feels when u have nothing to chase except the worldly life?

This feeling of rage and anger mixed with sadness and concealed.... is it because of my post-trauma respond or all this long i am still in survival mode?

I am so tired of everything that sometimes i just wanna drop everything and leave but i cant. 

With the confusion even with love and warmness, i will be questioned whether it was for me or it was actually written for someone else. Even this life was customized by each of the individual on the earth but why do i doubting myself? 

Of all those year being in a volunteerism, i am still lost of making my own decisions because i have always been influenced that it always benefiting the party. I have always and always felt that i dont belong in any place that I've went. Wallahi at this point, I didnt even know what i had grown myself into except burying my self-esteem and confidence. I have been feeding this to my brain that sometimes I couldnt get myself up to even go to work. I know at this point that this positioned is not making myself clear of what I want in my life because my purpose of life was being washed away by the fact that this wasnt my biggest goal. 

I wouldnt want to making a bad image of this party but I really appreciate all of what they have done for me. At the point of when I thought I almost had myself back, I lost it again. I have been losing sleep for almost 4 days and be awaking in the middle the night for NO reason. 

Is this feeling is a guilty or its just my mind? Oh god. I really dont like this feeling.

The need to be reassured almost all the time bruh. 

I myself gotten tired. 

If you were to read this post, u are long to be confuse too. 

Well, this is my open diary, at this point i dont care who are u. 

But here is to myself that have been mentally tortured, overcorrected and being so very down the tunnel, you will get through this. Again.