feelings part 2

actually the post before was just a teaser lol and this post and like today, i have the courage (again) to really speak out my feelings.

i dont know to the number of what post im talking about the same person but here it is. I am going to talk about how much i am being loved by the same person everyday but the fact that we not actually together and at all we manage to deny that we are together. I dunno how long this person can resist and help himself to overcome those rejection but to be honest today i would like to speak out my guiltiness, today i would like to sort my feelings. i mean like is this love?
You should feel very very blessed when someone really really knows about you. it makes you fall to the knees.  Thank you Allah for sending the love of humans rather to teach me that only your love should be chased.
tbh, this post is from a creation called human and i am sorry from the start if this post will hurt anybody's feelings but this is now my feelings.
life have been hectic but im more prone to those who are willing to sacrifice their time for me and spend them with me. I am more touched by that. all i've known about myself . i am so confused. this or that, coffee or tea, tuck or not, yes or no. i have A BIG problem with that. and yes may Allah send me help it also comes to feelings. love or not? jealous or not? yes thats me im so confuse if i really want someone in my life or not. All i live up is that if jodoh adalah. im the kind if they know and they want to stay, they will stay. i am living to the concept that if they want to go, it's about time because people come and go. aku mmg dah redo sgt kot kalau kau nak blah because all have been written and it's up to me to gather my strength back.
since im a typical girl, my life is still on the option, meaning i can still choose and its not the ending yet because life is a game. i am being a person who if being close that i cant get the hold myself when i am alone yes this is the really attachment i should detach
 and this is where i know i am really wanting the person. 😔 im really full of myself. i know that we dont know the future but i will keep on praying for the best in life. i know people will say that it's a waste of time and energy but for now(maybe?)i meet someone who can live up with me but i will always, always and always limit myself. you could say because i have a lot of experience with break ups and boys but actually know. sometimes these experience tells me that "cheap women" are easy to get and sometimes i just wonder that how much waste my childhood times because of relationship. i always try sooooo hard to not give hope too much because i too, hurt people. tbh, there's time when i wanna share my feelings with my mom, so she knew that at least she knows how her daughter living a big girl and its okay to have feelings.
and yes, i want people to stay in my life and i choose to stay but i always wonder for how much longer? sometimes i wonder if i really committed to it or is it one side or long lasting? i could only pray. my reasons to stay is that i really appreciate people and for this time, i appreciating things before its gone. for real.
but sometimes.....i just wonder.... did i start it myself? did the start it by accepting the approach? there's no doubt i choose and yes here are the consequence and its more to relieve then regret.
yes, sometimes i have a lot of doubt is the person have different aim and sometimes He let it happen because He want to tell me something bad? :( only Allah knows ;)