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about one week left before i start my semester
something just killed me inside. i havent been concealling to anyone. im depress on another level that i could even feel the grateness of laying down on my bed. my head was always heavy. is it what you call when you are finally 18 and you have to decide. god, nothing ever come good when i decide things.

look at that pic! haha i dont even know if its real lol.

i used to remember at school. when i havent have some good friends yet. i always talk to these two people and i always cry to them in front of the public telephone. well, you know who you are :) but hey, when we went into college, we went to each other's decided path, it wasnt the same. even though, we have phone to ourself but something just being blockage. ego maybe i dunno. if i did something wrong just tell me and if i can fix it, i will but... only Allah knows how hard i manage to keep these friendship until just one mistake that took you wrongly. everyone deserve a second chance. what if the next day, they wasnt in this world anymore?
ive lost my sense to everything. i am at my best to psycho myself back into track but it was really difficult for me when there is helping hands but it wasnt visible. i wish i was somewhere with someone i know. i use to remember how me and my best friend always mention to each other about living together but.. maybe that was just a dream and a dream can never be real except that you are the one who is pushing it to become a reality.

i never thought id already giving up at this point and that taking this path/ course, you should be working hard and yeah no effort no gain. its how it works.
doa usaha pastu doa lagi. this is what my new friend had told me when i was at my breakdown point. i let myself be like that and i let others be effected by it and simply i just want attention.

even my mom. she had been saying bad things to me that i think its becoming real. its my action that made her said things like that. she said something like i shouldnt even come home because i cant hang out with people. i dunno how many ppl advise me not to say this but the feeling of being unwanted used to make me push myself so that i could make my parents proud and that they see me. but it was nothing if you lost the sense of humanity.

i couldnt bring myself to say that i can no longer be in this path because all i think of is to end it. im so heartless that even those words wouldnt be felt and cut those dark skin away :(

please just dont make me give up on living because i seems to feel that everyone is turning away from me 😞

yeah you must be saying hey serve your right because you did it to them first