if writing was really cathartic for anyone then allow me to speak it out.
Hello peeps! it's almost two weeks of my holiday and there's about two more weeks left before the second semester starts? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
hahahaha next semester i would be taking for 4 papers. i cant brain this. my brain is also kind of being lost by the fact that im trying to release it's pain but it's coming back :')
im trying not too think about it while enjoying my holiday. but how can i? i keep thinking of this course is not fitted for me. i dunno where my passion ran too. seriously, i think most of them got fed up with me of talking like to go somewhere else. i dunno what and why anymore that im taking the course im taking. there's so many flashbacks in my mind that as i thought i should have trust my heart&instinct. that it's something i cant pursue. why didnt i? because all this time, it was speaking to me but i was being an ignorant. i know this post is too much emotion. i couldnt put my emotion aside as it was already and always controlling me. i begged to Allah that is this what i have wish for ?
I have gone tired of crying. it's seems like it hurts inside and i feel like im not even taking care of myself. I have been asking people around but there's no room for me take people advises as they say i was an ignorant and my heart hardens.
now i'm the only person at home with my mom. lonely. while my sister and my other friends had continued their studies for the 13th week or the second semester and i just about to start. oh dear.
last week, a sister mashaAllah, came to our house to give me and my mom a massage. i told my mom to go first without a reason. when it was my turn, i dont know what's wrong with me yeah, i kind of scared and she said a lot of my muscles have been tangled up because i have been doing a lot of work with. she told me to massage a little when im taking a rest or so. other than that, she also felt a bulge inside my stomach at right side. even she's afraid continue massaging that part because i was feeling pain. it feels like it was an electric shock over my body like i never felt before. she told me to go to clinic because she's afraid it might be something else instead of just you know, gastric or some kind other thing than eating disorder.
and so later that week, i went to the clinic. yeah i did try telling the doc about the part that i was hurt and she said about my intestine was not properly functioning. SubhanAllah at an early age, i have so many disease and sickness. im still trying to be positive but i dunno how like i can come with eating all these medicine up☺ya Allah, help me. just let me be patient with all this.
moreover, friends? i dunno anymore. it's seems like im not okay being alone and im not okay with anyone i've known long in this place. im not. i just need someone that i've known them more than a year in here at least but i was too brave to take the risk together with how determine i was at first but i think i've come to my declination and termination that i couldnt go on. i couldn't get up myself. those hands that pushing me to spread my wings? there are but they are not around me and they could just give words regardless of those hands tapping me in the back. i felt like im left hanging with the thought of what people think of me. i was easily influence by what they say that i have a wavering decision every time. just every time.
Hello peeps! it's almost two weeks of my holiday and there's about two more weeks left before the second semester starts? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
hahahaha next semester i would be taking for 4 papers. i cant brain this. my brain is also kind of being lost by the fact that im trying to release it's pain but it's coming back :')
im trying not too think about it while enjoying my holiday. but how can i? i keep thinking of this course is not fitted for me. i dunno where my passion ran too. seriously, i think most of them got fed up with me of talking like to go somewhere else. i dunno what and why anymore that im taking the course im taking. there's so many flashbacks in my mind that as i thought i should have trust my heart&instinct. that it's something i cant pursue. why didnt i? because all this time, it was speaking to me but i was being an ignorant. i know this post is too much emotion. i couldnt put my emotion aside as it was already and always controlling me. i begged to Allah that is this what i have wish for ?
I have gone tired of crying. it's seems like it hurts inside and i feel like im not even taking care of myself. I have been asking people around but there's no room for me take people advises as they say i was an ignorant and my heart hardens.
now i'm the only person at home with my mom. lonely. while my sister and my other friends had continued their studies for the 13th week or the second semester and i just about to start. oh dear.
last week, a sister mashaAllah, came to our house to give me and my mom a massage. i told my mom to go first without a reason. when it was my turn, i dont know what's wrong with me yeah, i kind of scared and she said a lot of my muscles have been tangled up because i have been doing a lot of work with. she told me to massage a little when im taking a rest or so. other than that, she also felt a bulge inside my stomach at right side. even she's afraid continue massaging that part because i was feeling pain. it feels like it was an electric shock over my body like i never felt before. she told me to go to clinic because she's afraid it might be something else instead of just you know, gastric or some kind other thing than eating disorder.
and so later that week, i went to the clinic. yeah i did try telling the doc about the part that i was hurt and she said about my intestine was not properly functioning. SubhanAllah at an early age, i have so many disease and sickness. im still trying to be positive but i dunno how like i can come with eating all these medicine up☺ya Allah, help me. just let me be patient with all this.
moreover, friends? i dunno anymore. it's seems like im not okay being alone and im not okay with anyone i've known long in this place. im not. i just need someone that i've known them more than a year in here at least but i was too brave to take the risk together with how determine i was at first but i think i've come to my declination and termination that i couldnt go on. i couldn't get up myself. those hands that pushing me to spread my wings? there are but they are not around me and they could just give words regardless of those hands tapping me in the back. i felt like im left hanging with the thought of what people think of me. i was easily influence by what they say that i have a wavering decision every time. just every time.
Comments
Post a Comment
Assalamualaikum! ♥ Watcha waiting for? Comment as much as you want! ^o^ Thank you! ♥ Remember no rude words please :)