dont say i didnt warn you

until now i havent feel free on loving someone. it's always that feeling of guiltiness that told me to leave them. not that i had my dreams, ambitions and dream job in front of me but i didnt go quite well with almost everyone. last time i remember making effort the least is replying someone message. for me that was a biggest effort. i gave chances to people. i let them in my life. i got effected by their feeling and they just thought me as someone with a high ego and selfish. and weird and unknown.

there you go again as it always were. that people saw me as just a perfect life just because "you are thin and somebody loved you". you gotta be appreciative? I would say i thank a lot with every bits of me because He puts me in this kind of situations that no one except Him knows His creation can go beyond that.

yes i am ego for all that we know women have to so that we are not that priceless. i cud not keep up with that since i was only a human and my imann was going up and down. I was being so friendly to anyone that almost whoever come up to me i gave them chance to introduce what they are really is.  to the level they were so high hope that i turn them down is where i always meet

decision. decision is what is bad on me. even i tried so hard to make it right. it never were. why can i detect those liars earlier and that i wont hurt my own feelings? I have been talking to some great people but i end up not making them go to sleep feeling well. Now i surely got a panda eyes every once a week just because i cried about life alot.

i wanted to just be honest to someone that i love and make them feel special and great but i always knew that it wont last long and they would get lost one day. unless,,,, they are really yours. Have you ever had this feeling when all your family members were laughing together downstairs while you were just waking up? it felt like you are unneeded. you are just making problems towards everyone life. you are never a piece to make someone feel great. the other time you were laughing and cheering up someone day and the other day it was all blown away.

last week, i had spent my night hanging out with my friends through WhatsApp and just watching movies. it felt like i forget it all. but i havent notice that i was such a bad someone-who-knows-what.
if people really wait for my disappearance, just keep waiting because i was never good to all of ya.

i was feeling so great when someone was reallly reallly realllly im comfortable with but look, its a guy and yet, they will *im not praying this* just fall into me and get hurt. lol so cliche but here is the think im not ready for all this to happen. but just to be precise, i know i hurt someone's feeling but havent i gave them enough? i made them happy. i was the one who will end up crying for the whole night and crawl back to bed while what they only see was the brightest smile. the brightest smile stands up because it was the strongest of them all. they cant see my scarification that i have been pushing my pain from all those past year.

you know that you liked someone when all they becoming a sensitive moron. I've warn them from the beginning dont go to far but look who end up begging for help? you. because i can give you is pitiness. i wanted that i love you mean so much that just for now. it's i want to make it go serious and forever because now i can be sure of anything around me.